Burden

I notice when people look at Layla. I notice when people try and avoid looking at Layla or look at Layla then avoid looking at me. I hate it so much. I notice the looks when she is feeding in public. I try and cover the site (MicKey) so people don't have to see where the food is actually going inside her. I hate that I feel like I have to do that.. To make people more comfortable. I wish people would see her like I do. I wish they would see her beautiful smile when she hears her dad's voice as he walks through the door. I wish they would see her contagious giggle when Aaron does his obnoxious laugh. I wish they instead of feeling pity would feel like they want to get to know her and us, help us not feel isolated from regular parenthood.  

I went to a moms group last week with my sister in law and her kids. She is one of those wonderful people who actually wants to spend time with my daughter. She's a great aunt. Right away she was holding her and playing with her laying on my coat in the floor. She told me after the group that that day was the first time she really noticed other people's reactions. She said women she knew who normally would come right on over to chat with her, saw Layla and then avoided her. Instead of seeing Layla as the 15 month old that she is, they saw her as different than a regular 15 month old and perhaps didn't know how to have a conversation without addressing the elephant in the room. She said she felt like it opened her eyes a bit to the realization of what we go through in that area. Because to the people that spend a lot of time with us, Layla is just Layla.  

To me, those women don't matter too much. They're not in my circle of influence. I could see them every week for a couple hours if I wanted to commit to the group but In the grand scheme of things their opinion doesn't effect me too much. Unless I'm having one of those emotional days when I experience a situation similar and then I have to have a good cry on the car ride home. Which may or may not have happened that day..   

You want to know what makes me really sad? When my friends do it. When my family does it. When people who's opinion I actually value will avoid holding or talking about her, my heart breaks. Because this too is motherhood like anyone else's journey. I used to imagine what life would be like as my children would age. Would they be athletic, smart, beautiful/handsome, bookworms, artsy, popular etc. What would I do if my son came home crying because he was made fun of on the playground? What would I do if my daughter was broken-hearted because she wasn't good enough to make the school soccer team? With Layla I'm probably never going to be dealing with those exact issues but i'm still dealing with the same feeling of rejection. I just never thought that I would be dealing with it from such a young age. Everyone loves babies, right? 

There was a friend's baby boy who was born 2 1/2 months after our beautiful girl. We spent a lot of time with them over Layla's first year of life. It would absolutely break my heart to watch others seek after holding and playing with him while my child would be the outcast. She was hard to calm down and had a very specific way of rocking, that not many learned. But it could be learned if people took the time.. and I was more than happy to teach (My back and arms could have realllly used the break too!). I craved the feeling that others loved my child. I still do.
At this point in time Layla has calmed down so much (thanks to food and medication) and boy am I ever thankful. I am so thankful to be back in BC where most of our family has been making efforts to learn Layla. To learn her specific rocks, back pats and routine. Some are even taking the time to hang out with her to give us a break! In doing this I hope they too are falling a bit in love (or at least like) with her. I would never want my child to be a burden. 

 My attempt at taking a shower when home alone. Snoopy jazz is where it's at.