I don't know if there's any other moms out there that who can relate but I've been struggling with feeling fulfilled being at home #sarcasm. I'm positive that I am not alone in those thoughts.
The problem is that once my mind has an idea it's so hard to slow it down. I have spent far too many hours and hours online looking at jobs, looking at going back to school, and actually going to multiple interviews.. only to discover that if I'm going to get back out there it's going to have to be a very special job that is flexible to my life. It's been very disheartening. My hours of nursing support are not always consistent and I have to allow for the driving and transition times. Plus there's a chance they might cancel or Layla might have a medical appointment or emergency. Basically I need somewhere that will allow me to work when I can and be okay with switching the shift timings if needby. That shouldn't be hard, right? Wrong. Very hard to come by. And I get it. Why would you want to employ someone with so many priorities elsewhere? If there were many jobs like this, the competition would be hot.
In my head I realize that my life is busy. Layla has a lot of needs. Every day requires me to be an administrator, a nurse, an advocate etc. But mentally, I struggle with giving myself the grace that I do "work".. the requirements for my family, require a lot more than the norm. 95-100% of the mothers I have met through Canuck Place are unable to hold down a job. Yet my mind continues to shame myself, to say that I'm lazy, and that I need to do more productive things with every single hour of nursing. Knowing vs feeling are so incredibly different. Why are we so hard on ourselves?
The fact remains that I need to turn my brain off from Layla sometimes. To fill it with some totally unrelated information. And if I can get paid to do that, even better. I do want to be around for all her appointments. But I believe I can be a better mother if I have something small for myself. The idea of getting out of the house, a change of scenery, to be social and to contribute seem so appealing. We go out and about often but it's only seeming to get harder. Many special needs parents can become bound to their home and I get it. Once the equipment and meds start to pile up, not to mention the weight of moving your child and taking them to most likely an unaccessible place, it often seems easier to just stay home. Thankfully I'm not quite at the point of it stopping us yet, and we continue to make getting out a priority for my sanity.
It comes down to me feeling content and thankful for where I am at. Nursing is never a guarantee and the hours may go down. We're also hoping to get Layla into preschool next year which will be a whole new world. The changes are constant yet sometimes very minute and easily missed. So for now I will keep searching for something that will work within my crazy guidelines and attempt to make peace with the fact that I am home for now but that doesn't mean forever.
Oh my gosh! Sweetheart, I can relate to the struggle of feeling guilty not being in the "outside of the home" work place!! It's so ridiculous!!! And people make the strangest comments..like, oh must be nice to not have to work, or so what do you do?, or you don't have a real job, on and on and then the mental struggle that we wrestle with...gah! I so often feel like I need to give everyone a list of all that I do... I care give special needs, etc etc, but my new goal is to respond to people saying, yup I don't do anything all day, just live the life of luxury..sheesh...and you precious one, you are doing the most important JOB of all, you are caring for, loving, advocating, taking care of your entire household, being a loving wife, etc etc!!! Clearly this is a subject I am becoming extremely passionate about!! If you want to work outside the home as well as inside the home, that's your prerogative totally... but please realize that what you do right now is WORK and it's hard WORK! And I LOVE YOU! XO
ReplyDeleteIf your feeling of needing an occupation outside the home persists, perhaps a volunteer position could fulfill some of your needs. There are lots of voluntary things that are organising or administrative, rather than personal support (you're an expert but probably wouldn't want to take on more!). In a volunteer role they are more likely to feel able to be flexible, and secondary, to your home responsibilities. I would encourage you to focus on your needs, not on what you think other people think you should be doing. (It's me, Nicola :-) ).
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