Hospice Life

As I walked out of the children's hospice I looked over at the fireplace mantel, as I normally do. Reading through the names and sending up good thoughts to their families. Not even able to fully fathom what they must be going through. There is always a fear that I will see a name that I know. Canuck Place houses will put the names of children on their program who have passed recently onto the fireplace mantel so that staff will know. They also have a whole protocol for when children are in the process of passing and have passed within moments and hours while in house. I wish I could say I've seen the mantel empty, but I never have. There are children passing daily- long before their time. That is just the way it is. 

This day was the first time I recognized one of the names- I knew it had to be this specific child because I was positive no one else in the program had the same name. My heart sank. I wrote an email to the mother to be sure. And received a detailed email back confirming that it was in fact true and she shared the details surrounding the events. She did not see it coming. She felt like everything had been going fairly well, they were in the process of planning kindergarten for this year and thus completely caught off guard. It only takes a moment. Seems that not all children really let you know. I'm not sure if that is easier or harder than living through more intense pain and sickness prior. I felt compelled to share my positive stories of their child- how they made me laugh and how they were one of the first families we met through Canuck Place. I am so thankful for the few conversations and emails that we did take part in. Another mother (the actual first one we had a full conversation with) introduced the two of us because she thought there were many similarities between our children. 

This passing has hit me a little harder than I would've imagined. The reminder that Layla's days are numbered and there's not a way we can predict when that time will come. There is so much stress that comes with that realization. It is a reminder that there will only be more children who we have grown to know and love that will be passing around us. What a world this is. It can be so unfair.

We are scheduled to meet with the hospice staff for our yearly meeting next Friday. We have to discuss plans for when Layla does pass. Seems morbid but it actually is really helpful for me, mentally. They try and have these discussions when children are (relatively) healthy so you are not making decisions in the middle of a crisis. It just makes for a heavy couple days around it.

This intense information is a good reminder for me to get back into counselling after a few month hiatus. There's been a built up of things that have happened and have been on my mind. It's honestly so incredible how even one meeting can take a chunk of weight off and bring perspective if only for a short time.