Mother daughter bond

I've heard many times of the moment my mom friends have had to drop their one year old off at day care for the first time before they go back to work after a year of spending every day with them. The way their hearts broke when they looked into their child's eyes as they left them with a stranger and a bunch of other kids. That first year of a child's life creates this intense bond between mother and the baby it can be really hard to separate. Makes sense if you think about it. We are so fortunate in Canada to have the government pay us maternity leave while we take care of our infants. 

For me, the first year was the hardest of my life. So many emotions and heartache for both Layla and myself. That joyous bond wasn't there. I had such a rough start I thought motherhood just wasn't for me. I wasn't good at it. The motherhood others shared about seemed foreign. It saddened me that parenthood wasn't at all what we imagined. Instead of bringing Aaron and I together, it was tearing us apart. Then, once we were told we wouldn't have much time with her I didn't allow the bond because I was too scared it would make it hurt more when she was gone. Don't get me wrong, I did love her but there was just something missing. Not sure if I can fully explain it. 

It took until after a year for the connection to take place. Once I saw her health improve, I gained hope. Now at 16 months, it is there. I can feel my heart overwhelm when she looks into my eyes and smiles. I just love her so much. And I never want her to leave. I pray every day that God won't take her from us. I pray that she will prove doctors wrong. That she will amaze us with her progress. Even if it looks different than typical parenthood, that's ok. Not ideal, but ok. 

My "maternity leave" has just begun. And I have lots of catching up to do.