Simple question. But I could not come up with an answer. My brain was swirling with the pros and cons list of either option and could not make a decision. Well Starbucks is more expensive but I love their green tea lattes (non fat, no foam, sub sugar free vanilla). Aaron like's the drip coffee more at Tim Hortons but the drive through is longer.. It was too hard, too much. Ridiculous I know. But this is seeming to be a normal occurrence lately. I'm sure it's killing Aaron. Between the daily (and nightly) grind with Layla, between my own personal struggles, my husband's, my family's, I can't take on any more. I wish I could. And I do try but i'm full to the brim. The only way I've been able to describe it is that I feel like emotional mush. Helping others feels good. It fills my bucket. If someone trusts me with an issue or situation they are facing I want to help or at least be a listening ear. Being at home 24/7 now, I'm less often in situations where I can be that person for someone. Work used to be the main place where these conversations occurred. But the very hard decision has been made that I will not be going back. Layla's health has taken priority. And my health, by not having to do 4am shifts anymore.. well not out of the house or my pyjamas anyways.
If Layla does pass away at a young age I want to remember as many details as I can. She has knocked away every other priority in my life. That is where all my time, energy, emotions etc are going. Sure, it is ever so hard at times but I do not want to look back and wish I hadn't gone back to work, that I had more time with her. I am very fortunate to have a husband that makes enough money that with some good budgeting we will be able survive with one income for a few years at least. A woman who's daughter passed away 6 months ago (at the very young age of 3 1/2) put up a post a while back about embracing the moments with your "medically fragile" child. About how she would give anything to hear the beeping of her daughters g-tube pump, bi-pap machine, or evening the hospital machines if that would mean her daughter was still here. Man, did that post ever hit me hard. All the moments when I thought that it would be easier if she was just taken from us sooner, thinking it would save my heart from all the aches. No matter how hard it is to have a fragile child, it's better than having them taken away. Once that child is conceived there will always be pain. Whether the child doesn't make it full term, passes away at birth or is given 3 months, 3 years, or 30 years on this earth, it will hurt and take a piece of your heart with them. So it's too late. I will make the choice to find the joys and cherish this sweet girl we have been blessed with.
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