Take Charge

As a kid, I was always a dreamer. My mom shares often of when she asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up and I said "Leave the country." I always wanted to travel, try new things, see what life was like in different parts of the world. I lived up to that for a while. After I completed grade 10 I decided that I wanted to finish school as fast as possible to make that dream a reality. So I signed up for online schooling, completing grade 11 and 12 within just over a year, while working a big chunk of that full time as a receptionist. Just after my 17th birthday I took off to the UK to become a nanny. Unfortunately, I didn't get to experience what I was hoping in that position. I won't go into too many details but in hindsight it seems like a movie scenario; the family didn't value me, nor allow me to communicate with my own family. Multiple shady situations lead me to sneak away when they weren't home and take multiple trains across the country. Thankfully my brother happened to be dating a wonderful english girl at the time who's family took me in for a while without even knowing me. At their home I remember having a skype conversation with my mom where she brought up my dreams of traveling the globe. She was worried that one bad experience would take that away from me. So when given the opportunity to travel some more in Europe, rather than coming home straight away, I took it! A month later when I did end up coming home to Canada, it was on a much more positive note, than it could've been. Here I am, many trips later and so thankful that I have been able to make traveling a priority. I've worked 6 years in the travel industry including 3 different airlines and a travel agency.
Recently, I've been hit with the thought that this isn't going to be something I can pass down to my daughter. Her traveling is going to have to be a lot more local. After two years of age children are required to sit in their own seat on airplanes. With Layla's poor neck control she will not be able to sit unassisted. The thought of traveling with all her equipment and feeding supplies, not to mention if we had any medical complications abroad is enough to keep her home.
For me, it means that my traveling will be limited to week long trips without Layla. Which could be ideal, for my current needs. I can get a lot more exploring done without a child. And a lot more rest to feel ready to deal with home life. For others, it might not be that high on their list but for myself I've made it a priority, a priority that keeps me sane.

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've always imagined."

"You can't keep doing the same thing and expect different results."

"You are the only person in charge of your future."

These are the type of quotes we have all heard many times. And I believed them for a long time. When someone would tell me of their unhappiness in their life, job, spouse etc.. I would always think to myself, then change it. If you're that unhappy, why are you still putting yourself in that situation? You have the power to move away, change jobs, do something that really makes you happy. That was until Layla came along. Very quickly, I realized that I've been placed in a situation where there are a lot of things I cannot change. I know that it would be impossible to raise Layla on my own without Aaron, so I need him. On the days when I feel like I can't do this whole parenting-a-special-needs-child thing I'm reminded that the only way out is to give her up, and I just can't do that. In order to stick it out there will be other areas in my life that will suffer because of it. That is just the truth. If we had a lot of disposable income, I would 100% hire someone to help me with Layla, through some days and nights. Thankfully some amazing people have been more recently brought into our lives to help us get respite in place to ensure that we can sustain and enjoy the life we lead.
Aaron and I have been talking a lot lately about our dreams for our future. Short and long term. There are many things that we are unable to change. But there certainly are some that we can. We need to bring these up more often and note any little things that we can do to work towards making them happen. Growing up, my dream was to live somewhere foreign on a beach. That will not happen, as far as I can see. Buuuttt could it be possible to live on the ocean, or a lake in Canada? Why not? Not anytime soon but it can happen. I believe dreams are placed inside of us for a reason. If you don't have dreams and aspirations what are you living for? As I go through a season of being tied to my home, I remind myself that this isn't forever. There will come a day when I can make myself more of a priority. My goals of having a successful career and living life abroad are not realistic at this point... key words being at this point. I always said "If you don't make something a priority, you won't ever do it." So I am making it a priority to not give up fully on my dreams and to look at ways of adapting them into a more realistic goal. This series of unfortunate events, can't go on forever.

Prior to awful diagnosis' and hospital stays and a feeding tube and special seating Layla had the opportunity to spend time at my favourite place.. the Caribbean beach.