Take Charge

As a kid, I was always a dreamer. My mom shares often of when she asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up and I said "Leave the country." I always wanted to travel, try new things, see what life was like in different parts of the world. I lived up to that for a while. After I completed grade 10 I decided that I wanted to finish school as fast as possible to make that dream a reality. So I signed up for online schooling, completing grade 11 and 12 within just over a year, while working a big chunk of that full time as a receptionist. Just after my 17th birthday I took off to the UK to become a nanny. Unfortunately, I didn't get to experience what I was hoping in that position. I won't go into too many details but in hindsight it seems like a movie scenario; the family didn't value me, nor allow me to communicate with my own family. Multiple shady situations lead me to sneak away when they weren't home and take multiple trains across the country. Thankfully my brother happened to be dating a wonderful english girl at the time who's family took me in for a while without even knowing me. At their home I remember having a skype conversation with my mom where she brought up my dreams of traveling the globe. She was worried that one bad experience would take that away from me. So when given the opportunity to travel some more in Europe, rather than coming home straight away, I took it! A month later when I did end up coming home to Canada, it was on a much more positive note, than it could've been. Here I am, many trips later and so thankful that I have been able to make traveling a priority. I've worked 6 years in the travel industry including 3 different airlines and a travel agency.
Recently, I've been hit with the thought that this isn't going to be something I can pass down to my daughter. Her traveling is going to have to be a lot more local. After two years of age children are required to sit in their own seat on airplanes. With Layla's poor neck control she will not be able to sit unassisted. The thought of traveling with all her equipment and feeding supplies, not to mention if we had any medical complications abroad is enough to keep her home.
For me, it means that my traveling will be limited to week long trips without Layla. Which could be ideal, for my current needs. I can get a lot more exploring done without a child. And a lot more rest to feel ready to deal with home life. For others, it might not be that high on their list but for myself I've made it a priority, a priority that keeps me sane.

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've always imagined."

"You can't keep doing the same thing and expect different results."

"You are the only person in charge of your future."

These are the type of quotes we have all heard many times. And I believed them for a long time. When someone would tell me of their unhappiness in their life, job, spouse etc.. I would always think to myself, then change it. If you're that unhappy, why are you still putting yourself in that situation? You have the power to move away, change jobs, do something that really makes you happy. That was until Layla came along. Very quickly, I realized that I've been placed in a situation where there are a lot of things I cannot change. I know that it would be impossible to raise Layla on my own without Aaron, so I need him. On the days when I feel like I can't do this whole parenting-a-special-needs-child thing I'm reminded that the only way out is to give her up, and I just can't do that. In order to stick it out there will be other areas in my life that will suffer because of it. That is just the truth. If we had a lot of disposable income, I would 100% hire someone to help me with Layla, through some days and nights. Thankfully some amazing people have been more recently brought into our lives to help us get respite in place to ensure that we can sustain and enjoy the life we lead.
Aaron and I have been talking a lot lately about our dreams for our future. Short and long term. There are many things that we are unable to change. But there certainly are some that we can. We need to bring these up more often and note any little things that we can do to work towards making them happen. Growing up, my dream was to live somewhere foreign on a beach. That will not happen, as far as I can see. Buuuttt could it be possible to live on the ocean, or a lake in Canada? Why not? Not anytime soon but it can happen. I believe dreams are placed inside of us for a reason. If you don't have dreams and aspirations what are you living for? As I go through a season of being tied to my home, I remind myself that this isn't forever. There will come a day when I can make myself more of a priority. My goals of having a successful career and living life abroad are not realistic at this point... key words being at this point. I always said "If you don't make something a priority, you won't ever do it." So I am making it a priority to not give up fully on my dreams and to look at ways of adapting them into a more realistic goal. This series of unfortunate events, can't go on forever.

Prior to awful diagnosis' and hospital stays and a feeding tube and special seating Layla had the opportunity to spend time at my favourite place.. the Caribbean beach. 

FINALLY

NIH application and all medical records have been sent in. In 4-6 weeks we will find out if we get to go on a little journey to Washington D.C. It's oh so exciting to think there could be a chance of finding more ways to understand Layla, help make her the happiest we can and have some understanding to what her future may bring. This brings a lot of nervousness as well, as to what we may find out. Plus a fear that even if we do go, they might not find an answer. I will have a lot less hope that we will ever find a diagnosis, if these specialists don't. That's a bit of a hard pill to swallow. To continue in so much unknown. I don't want to think of that though. I am not near ready to give up.
The application for the first one time grant to go towards respite is complete. The infant development consultant called me yesterday to read what she wrote for her letter and she is so confident we will get some funds. We have our own letter plus three more from professionals recommending this as a necessity. They can't deny us, right? Moments after we finished our conversation the social worker called. She said she had been working hard to look at different options for respite until the government funding would kick in, when she found out a family in the area who receives it is moving out of the country in September and she is giving us their funds. PTL! There is light at the end of the tunnel. Plus on top of that, she has referred us to this program that will send over nursing support for a small four hours-ish a week to get us through the summer. She said she kept thinking of how I mentioned as a used-to-be-very-active person and it's hard to spend a lot of my days sitting like a lump of lard on a couch.. (well maybe not in those exact words..) and thought this could be a perfect opportunity for me to go for a run or take a workout class a couple days a week. Such a good way to break up my day, get that needed break from Layla to recharge and be ready to give her my all. I felt the tears fill my eyes. Something so small means so much. The idea of doing something for my personal and spiritual self needs to be more of a top priority. The stress and anxiety has been building up for far too long and it's now showing more physically, through more migraines, back and neck pain, and skin issue (this is a new one for me). Thankfully I'm still at a place where I can pull myself out of most funks but I recognize there needs to be a change. 

Vulnerable

After posting my blog link for the first time publicly on Facebook. All the sudden I feel nervous to write. I feel like so many people are seeing my real life and real thoughts for the first time. Before, my readers consisted of my mom and sister in law. People who I was already more honest and open with. The blog was really just about me venting, not about wanting the masses to see it.
It's a scary thing to be vulnerable. To share some of those deep dark thoughts with the world. In some sense it's easier to type those feelings rather than say them aloud. There was something that kept me from sharing for the past year. Perhaps because I had so much uncertainty in my own thoughts, I wasn't ready for others to put in their opinions before I had my own. There were the voices telling me, people wouldn't want to know, or that they would simply think I was lying. A lot of it could sound unbelievable or like I'm trying to make it sound worse than it is. Though, I honestly try to keep a good balance of positives and negatives in my writing. I don't want, and never wanted it to be all dark because there truly are some wonderful things that happen. There always is, if you look for them. But I needed a place to let out the negative stuff too. Just using my husband wasn't enough.
Motherhood normally brings such a sense of community. When moms get together it's basically story time. They share of the tantrums, the laughter, the hugs, the new words, the first steps, oh so many firsts. All the things I longed for when I wanted to become a mom. Sadly, in my world I don't have that. Thus haven't found that type of community. Sure, I can relate on just being a mom. But not on too much else. And other moms can't connect with me because of our unique situation. Some people are scared to. I see it. Kids are always the ones who ask questions about Layla. The parents are the ones to sush them, say nothing and awkwardly change the subject or walk away. Oh how much worse that is than saying the wrong thing. The more involved we get with Canuck Place and the development centre I know we will find more of that connection. And who knows, perhaps through this blog I will make connections that otherwise wouldn't be possible.
After making my blog public, I was so surprised at the responses. Multiple private messages and texts thanking me for sharing and encouraging me in my writing. It's amazing how freeing I felt. No need to hide the truth. Different is beautiful and interesting. If I didn't have Layla I fell like I would be curious about a mom going through what I am. Maybe now people will be less awkward about asking questions because with so much information available they will alerady get an idea of what my girl is like and see that I am ready to be open. 
The last couple weeks have been very positive. Things are starting to go our way. Doors are opening. Other people are starting to fight for Layla. Not just me. I have felt for so long the pressures of being a mother, an advocate, a caretaker, a nurse.. all alone. Yes, Aaron is super involved and helpful. But there is a whole different level for me being 24/7 with Layla.. and I just happen to be better at research for programs, doctors, fundings etc. 
I got a call from physio that she think there is a child's power wheelchair at red cross in Vancouver. She is emailing, calling and trying her hardest to get that chair. Fingers crossed we can get our hands on it as a loaner. Then we would just get the engineer to come out and customize. It would be pretty easy to get that funding because of it being from red cross (I hope). But then of course if we get the chair will be need a ramp for our house and eventually a wheelchair van. Aaron can put together a makeshift ramp for the first bit I'm sure. And the van we will likely apply to different programs and variety clubs. Besides at the beginning it's not going to be too important to transport the chair around. She will start by wrecking all the walls in our house and the basketball court down the street.  
We are currently putting together an application for a one time grant that would go specifically towards respite. Yesterday, the infant development coordinator from the development centre came with us to Layla's every three week check up with her pediatrician. It was so amazing to watch her pick the doctors brain on where we might be able to access funding for respite, and talk so positively about us and Layla. She is truly an amazing advocate for us and I'm so thankful that we will stay connected with her as we continue to live in BC. That doctor is coming up with a letter to put in with our applications and I do believe we will get some funds. Hopefully enough to get us through until the government respite kicks in. 
By tomorrow our application should be complete for the undiagnosed disease program. Then we will have to wait 6-8 weeks to find out if Layla is accepted.. And I pray we do. If there is any hope for a diagnosis or possibly any sort of treatment, it's there. We've been watching youtube videos about the program the last few days. I will post a link of a ted talk from the doctor who heads up this program for anyone that may be interested. 

More deep breaths and positive thoughts are coming out of me than I've had in a long time and it feels good. Fighting through the fog to get to that sunshine. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aMMBmc_pQVA

This is the happy face of a girl who slept for 6 hours straight! Nevermind that it was 4am when she woke up.