More seizures

In my speech for the gala I wrote "Layla has been so stable lately. It can sometimes slip our minds that the reality is we don't know what her future holds." Then the past few days happened. It's been rough, emotional, scary, exhausting..
On Monday night we came home from a wonderful meet up with a family from the states who has a child with the same diagnosis as Layla PCH2d, she even has the same genetic abnormality. It was pretty interesting to compare so many similarities of our girls. We noticed that Lay was pretty sleepy for most of the visit but she seemed okay, she has these type of days every so often. We put her to bed at 1030pm and she passed out right away. At 1130pm the video monitor went off and I heard a strange noise coming from her room so I ran in to find her seeming to be choking. I felt her hand and it was freezing cold, though her head was sweaty and hot. Her temperature was 38 degrees which is a fever. Her mouth was opening and closing consistently and involuntarily, chest was having convulsions, her eyes and limbs were very tight and I couldn't get her to relax. I called Aaron in and said - "Get Canuck Place on the phone Layla is having a seizure." It looked quite different from her grand mal last April. The nurse talked us through it. We gave her tylenol and Aaron starting drawing her rescue medication. By the time he had it ready to go she had slightly relaxed. This was after seizing for 15 minutes. The nurse advised not to give it if she was coming out of it on her own. I wasn't convinced that she was done so we decided to drive in to the Abbotsford hospital emergency department.
They took her in right away and placed her in a trauma room. A chest x-ray, blood work and urine sample came back clear. By 430am I saw her limbs jump up a couple times and felt her hands which were cold again. The nurse advised the doctor. Maybe 15 minutes went by and she was in another grand mal seizure. This time she brought her hands up tight to her face and eyes were wide open and rolling. Then she started choking and frothing from the mouth. Sats dropped. We turned her on her side and suctioned while giving oxygen. The nursing staff gave her rescue med and it didn't stop the seizure. They tried another that was still unsuccessful. On a good day it's hard to find a vein on her for blood work or an IV but they needed to get one to get her out of this seizure. After more than 5 attempts the doctor said "I'm going to have to do an IO"... What is that!? I thought.
Intraosseous infusion (IO) is the process of injecting directly into the marrow of a bone. This provides a non-collapsible entry point into the systemic venous system. This technique is used to provide fluids and medication when intravenous access is not available or not feasible.
They were going to drill into her bone... the thought made me sick but we were on board to do whatever possible to get her back. Right before the doctor started to drill, his phone rang and he stepped out. One of the seven nurses around asked if he could make an attempt on her ankle. He got a vein! Thank goodness. They ran another med through an IV and she came out of the seizure within 5-10 minutes. Thank goodness. This seizure had lasted 27 minutes. The medications are sedatives so she went into a deep sleep for about 5 hours. After the grand mal seizure last April Layla slept for something insane like 14 hours straight. We'd never seen her sleep that long in her life. I assumed that would happen again this time so Aaron went home to sleep and then in to work for a few hours. 
By mid day she had another seizure. Her body convulsed and she started frothing again. Suction and oxygen again helped. She came out within 2 minutes this time. 5 minutes passed and she had another 2 minute one. Within 30 minutes there was 5 seizures. The doctor came in and said that he was going to get her transferred to BC Children's. She had a 5 more short seizures and then an hour passed and she was brought into the ambulance to be transferred. 
Once there, in emerge that night she had maybe 10 more cluster seizures (not lasting more than 3 minutes). Then she was admitted to clinical teaching unit. She seemed calm and asleep. The nausea from my own exhaustion was taking over. Aaron offered to stay by her side and for me to go get some sleep. Between 10:00pm and 1:00am she had about 10 more. We lost count of the total. The docs were saying they would only give her the rescue medication if she had one lasting more than 5 minutes which these ones never did. As of 1am Aaron was completely drained- he had been doing all of the suctioning and giving her oxygen himself because it takes so long for the nurses to come and get gowned up when you press the call button. He advocated that they couldn't just keep letting her seize all day and night. They agreed to give her a rescue med. Thankfully it worked the first try this time and she passed out again.
The rest of Wednesday she didn't have any major seizures. She was very lethargic but that's to be expected. Her body worked so hard for over 24 hours. Since she was asleep and sats were good Aaron and I went to a hotel to get some sleep Wednesday night. She has stayed grand mal free since these events. Every couple hours we are seeing her be more and more back to herself. When they took some blood work yesterday and I saw her cry, I was so thankful. She hadn't been reacting to any pain before this which scared me.
A week ago, Thursday to Friday, Layla had a 24 hour eeg to see if there has been some unrecognized seizure activity. What timing. The Neurologist team is trying to get the results early from that to see if there is any helpful information. Basically they were trying to figure out if this whole experience was because of a virus or something to do with the progression of her disease. They were pushing for it to be a virus because that can explain the lowering of her seizure threshold. A swab came back positive to coronavirus and the strep virus. So the moral of the story is that Layla got what would be a common cold to most of us and it caused her to have all these seizures. So disheartening. Unfortunately this is going to make us be even more paranoid about her being around anyone that is at all sick.
Yesterday I was getting annoyed that we weren't getting more answers so I called Canuck Place to chat with a doctor about what to do. Two Canuck Place doctors came by to talk in person. They assured me they would talk to neurology and make sure we get questions answered before we are discharged. My biggest fear is that her at home rescue medication didn't work to bring her out of the grand mal seizure- even being in the hospital. How can I go home without having a different one? If we're at home without options we may not be able to get her out of the seizure. Once this is answered than we should be good to head back home. Fingers crossed that will be this afternoon.
Thanks to anyone that has been praying and sending good thoughts our way. And as always thanks for love and support. This girl is a fighter.

Still smiling, in the pain.

Speech

What a surreal night Saturday was. Having the opportunity to speak to over 400 people about what Canuck Place Children's Hospice is to us. Pretty incredible. My nerves were fairly calm until we stepped into the arena and the sudden realization hit me as to how impressive this event truly is. It was absolutely stunning. The prizes made me wish I had the money to bid on them. The food was so delicious. The people were gorgeously dressed.
About 10 minutes prior to us going on stage the nerves got worse. That's when I felt a huge knot in my stomach and was tempted to run for the hills. Not sure if it was the heels that stopped me or my intuition that this was where I was meant to be, but I stayed. And I'm so glad we did. The response was overwhelming. I thought that surely everyone was seeing my hands and legs shaking uncontrollably.. apparently just Aaron saw that. The good thing was that because the lights were focused on us, I was unable to make the faces of the people, just their shapes. Walking off the stage, giving the host a big hug I couldn't believe there was a standing ovation. Trying to keep my cool I arrived safely back to our seats. After the live auction finished and the dance floor opened we had numerous guests approach and thank us for giving them the insight into our lives and what they were really there to support. Since almost every person that we actually know and follows Layla's story on a regular basis was unable to attend I thought it would be a good idea to share our speech with you! So here it is: (You have to read it really loud in your head because it's all in capitals..jk. I do not have the time or energy to change it.)

HELLO MY NAME IS KAITI THIS IS MY HUSBAND AARON. OUR ONE AND ONLY DAUGHTER’S NAME IS LAYLA. SHE IS THREE AND A HALF YEARS OLD AND HAS BEEN RECENTLY DIAGNOSED WITH PONTOCEREBELLAR HYPOPLASIA TYPE 2D - A MOUTHFUL I KNOW, SO WE LIKE TO REFER TO IT AS PCH.

PCH IS A RARE GENETIC CONDITION THAT AFFECTS THE DEVELOPMENT ON THE BRAIN PARTICULARLY IN THE CEREBELLUM, WHICH IS THE PART OF THE BRAIN RESPONSIBLE FOR BASICALLY ALL GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT MILESTONES INCLUDING SITTING, WALKING, AND TALKING. THIS DISEASE IS LIFE LIMITING AND PROGRESSIVE. LAYLA STRUGGLES WITH SEIZURES AND HAS BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH CORTICAL VISUAL IMPAIRMENT.

WE HAVE BEEN A PART OF THE CANUCK PLACE FAMILY FOR TWO AND A HALF YEARS NOW. 

WHEN LAYLA WAS BORN WE HAD NO IDEA WHAT WE WERE IN FOR. THE DOCTOR NOTICED LOW MUSCLE TONE AT BIRTH BUT THERE WAS NO MAJOR CONCERN. A WEEK LATER WE HOPPED ON A PLANE AND MOVED ACROSS THE COUNTRY TO ONTARIO SO AARON COULD ENROL IN A TRADES PROGRAM. A NEW LIFE FOR OUR SMALL FAMILY WAS BEGINNING.

 AT 4 MONTHS OF AGE WE STILL HADN’T BEEN ABLE TO SEE A DOCTOR AND NOTICED LAYLA HADN’T HIT ANY EXPECTED MILESTONES BUT, BEING OUR FIRST CHILD, WE BRUSHED THOSE CONCERNS TO THE SIDE.

LAYLA WAS 6 MONTHS OLD OUR LIVES TURNED A CORNER. WE WERE CONCERNED THAT SHE WASN’T DEVELOPING, AS SHE SHOULD BE.

WE WERE SENT TO A PAEDIATRICIAN WHO TOLD US HE BELIEVED LAYLA HAD SPINAL MUSCULAR ATROPHY (SMA). HE SHARED THAT SHE WAS LIKELY TO ONLY GET WEAKER AND WOULD PASS AWAY SHORTLY. OUR HEARTS WERE SHATTERED. 

WHEN WE TYPED SMA INTO GOOGLE THE FIRST TITLE TO APPEAR WAS “#1 BABY KILLER DISEASE.” THERE WAS NO WAY THIS COULD BE HAPPENING TO US. THIS PRECIOUS GIRL THAT WE WOULD DO ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING FOR AND SUDDENLY THERE WAS NOTHING WE COULD DO.

OVER THE NEXT TWO MONTHS WE WATCHED THIS ALREADY VERY WEAK BABY GET WEAKER. HER BREATHING GOT WORSE; SHE LOST THE ABILITY TO SUCK AND WAS SEEMINGLY DYING IN OUR ARMS. AND WE WERE TOLD TO ESSENTIALLY WATCH IT HAPPEN. IT WAS BY FAR THE HARDEST THING WE’VE EVER HAD TO ENDURE.

AT 9 MONTHS OLD WE HAD HIT OUR LAST STRAW. THE THREE OF US HAD BEEN SURVIVING ON SUCH LITTLE SLEEP, WE COULDN’T THINK CLEARLY BUT IT WAS CLEAR WE NEEDED HELP. SO WE DROVE 2 HOURS TO THE CLOSEST CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL IN LONDON, ONTARIO.

LAYLA WAS IMMEDIATELY TAKEN INTO THE PAEDIATRIC INTENSIVE CARE UNIT AND MONITORED. FOR A MONTH THIS WAS OUR HOME. SOON THE DIAGNOSIS OF SMA WAS RULED OUT BUT THEY DIDN’T KNOW WHAT WAS CAUSING HER TO DEVELOP AND ACT THE WAY SHE WAS AND WE ASSUMED WE STILL NEEDED TO PREPARE FOR THE WORST. 

DURING OUR STAY LAYLA UNDERWENT SURGERY TO HAVE A PERMANENT FEEDING TUBE PLACED. SPECIALISTS FROM EVERY AREA WERE ASSIGNED TO OUR CASE: NEUROLOGY, GENETICS AND BIOCHEMICAL DISEASES – ALL ATTEMPTED TO COME UP WITH A SOUND DIAGNOSIS BUT WITH NO LUCK. COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF TESTS WERE PERFORMED ON OUR LITTLE GIRL - LOTS OF BLOODWORK, MUSCLE AND SKIN BIOPSIES, A MRI, EEG, EMG, ECG… BUT STILL NO ANSWERS. WE WERE DISCHARGED AND LEFT WITH A HEALTHIER CHILD, BUT WE WERE STILL SO UNSURE OF WHAT TO EXPECT AND WHERE TO GO FROM THERE.

WE DECIDED TO MOVE BACK TO BC. THE MAJORITY OF OUR FAMILY LIVED THERE AND IF OUR TIME WAS LIMITED WITH LAYLA WE KNEW WE WANTED THE MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN OUR LIVES TO ALL GET A CHANCE TO KNOW HER. 

BEFORE WE LEFT WE SPOKE TO THIS NURSE PRACTITIONER SPECIALIZING IN SYMPTOM MANAGEMENT AND SHE RAVED ABOUT AN INCREDIBLE CHILDREN’S HOSPICE CALLED CANUCK PLACE. I DIDN’T UNDERSTAND HOW SOMEONE COULD RAVE ABOUT A HOSPICE. ISN’T THAT WHERE CHILDREN GO TO DIE? 

WHAT WE WOULD COME TO REALIZE IS THAT CANUCK PLACE IS NOT JUST A PLACE CHILDREN GO TO DIE, BUT A PLACE THAT HELPS CHILDREN WHO ARE DYING REALLY LIVE.

WHEN WE FIRST ARRIVED BACK IN BC, JUST IN TIME FOR LAYLA’S 1ST BIRTHDAY, WE HAD NO HOME SUPPORT SERVICES – SO 24/7 WE WERE ON DUTY ATTENDING TO ALL OF LAYLA’S CARE NEEDS. I WAS UNABLE TO RETURN TO WORK BECAUSE OF LAYLA’S HIGH LEVEL OF NEEDS. AARON NEEDED TO WORK FULL TIME TO PROVIDE FOR US. 

WE WERE TIRED. AT TIMES IT WAS HARD TO CATCH OUR BREATH BUT CANUCK PLACE OFFERED US THE MOST IMPORTANT THING WE NEEDED AT THAT TIME – COMFORT AND CARE.

CANUCK PLACE GAVE US PEACE OF MIND KNOWING THAT LAYLA WAS IN CAPABLE HANDS AT THE HOSPICE WITH AROUND-THECLOCK CARE – WE WERE FINALLY ABLE TO RELAX. WE COULD LEAVE HER ON THE NURSING AND PHYSICIAN FLOOR, CUDDLING WITH A VOLUNTEER IN A LAZY BOY CHAIR, LISTENING TO MUSIC AND GO TO SLEEP!

WE HAD BOTH FORGOTTEN WHAT A FULL NIGHT’S REST FELT LIKE. IT BROUGHT SUCH A SENSE OF PEACE TO KNOW THAT NOW THERE WAS A WHOLE TEAM OF SUPPORT BACKING US UP. IT WASN’T ALL ON OUR OWN SHOULDERS ANYMORE.

CANUCK PLACE NOT ONLY TAKES CARE OF US IN THE HOSPICE BUT ALSO, HAS HELPED US GET ACCESS TO ALL THE RIGHT SERVICES AND SPECIALISTS WHEN WE’RE OUT OF THE HOSPICE. HAVING THE ABILITY TO CALL SOMEONE AT CANUCK PLACE ANY TIME OF THE DAY OR NIGHT, THAT KNOWS YOUR CHILD’S BASELINE, IS INCREDIBLY HELPFUL WITH A COMPLEX CHILD. I DO MY BEST AT ADVOCATING BUT WHEN YOU HAVE A CANUCK PLACE DOCTOR BACKING YOU UP - PEOPLE LISTEN. SINCE LAYLA WAS ACCEPTED ON THE PROGRAM THE AMOUNT OF SUPPORT WE HAVE ACCESS TO AND RECEIVED HAS INCREASED SIGNIFICANTLY - I DON’T THINK THAT IS BY CHANCE. 

THE DOCTORS AT CANUCK PLACE HAVE HELPED BRING LAYLA TO A PRETTY STABLE PLACE WITH SPECIALIZED PAIN AND SYMPTOM CARE MANAGING HER MEDICATIONS. SHE EXPERIENCED A DIP WITH CLUSTER AND GRAND MAL SEIZURES LAST SPRING BUT OVERALL, LATELY, SHE HAS BEEN SO CONTENT WITHIN HERSELF. FOR THAT WE ARE INCREDIBLY GRATEFUL. THOUGH SHE IS NOT DEVELOPING TO MEET ANY MILESTONES, SHE KNOWS WHO WE ARE, THAT WE LOVE HER AND IS MORE RESPONSIVE THAN I THOUGHT WE WOULD EVER SEE.

WHEN YOU SEE LAYLA BELLY LAUGH, YOU CAN’T HELP BUT SMILE. THOUGH HER TIMING COULD BE BETTER. WHEN HEARING CHILDREN CRY, OR A SAD STORY ABOUT SOMEONE BEING HURT - THAT’S OFTEN WHEN SHE CHOOSES TO LAUGH. I GUESS SHE’S JUST TRYING TO LIGHTEN THE MOOD. I LOVE THAT ABOUT HER. SHE BRINGS JOY WHERE THERE SHOULD BE SORROW. 

LAYLA HAS BEEN GOING TO MUSIC THERAPY EVERY TWO WEEKS AT DAVE LEDE HOUSE IN ABBOTSFORD FOR A YEAR AND A HALF NOW. IT IS HER ABSOLUTE FAVOURITE THERAPY. THE FIRST STRUM ON CANUCK PLACE MUSIC THERAPIST KARIN’S GUITAR BRINGS AN INSTANT TOOTHY GRIN THAT MELTS YOUR HEART. EVERY NURSE WHO HAS WORKED WITH LAYLA KNOWS THAT HER FAVOURITE BAND IS THE LUMINEERS. WE HAVE PLAYED HER THEIR MUSIC SINCE SHE WAS A SMALL INFANT AND IT IS THE GO TO THROUGHOUT THE DAY AND NIGHT. WHEN THE CANUCK PLACE MUSIC THERAPY STUDENT TOOK IT UPON HERSELF TO LEARN A FEW OF THEIR SONGS IT SHOWED ME ANOTHER REASON WHY I LOVE THIS PROGRAM SO MUCH. I KNOW THAT MY DAUGHTER IS SO SPECIAL TO ME - TO US - BUT WHEN I SEE OTHERS CREATE A BOND AND GET A PEEK INTO HOW WE FEEL - THAT IS THE BEST GIFT. TO KNOW SHE IS MAKING AN IMPACT. THAT SHE FEELS LOVED.

 LOVE IS THE ONLY THING THAT KEEPS US GOING. 

THIS PAST JULY WE TRAVELED TO UCLA AS LAYLA HAD BEEN ACCEPTED TO THE UNDIAGNOSED DISEASE NETWORK. THAT GIVES YOU AN IDEA OF HOW RARE LAYLA’S CONDITION IS. AFTER ALMOST 3 YEARS, WE RECEIVED AN ACCURATE DIAGNOSIS. WE FINALLY HAD A LABEL TO TELL PEOPLE WHEN THEY ASKED WHAT HER DIAGNOSIS WAS - PONTOCEREBELLAR HYPOPLASIA TYPE 2D. WE HAVE BEEN TOLD THAT THERE ARE AROUND 100 CASES WORLD WIDE OF LAYLA’S CONDITION. 

THE SLIVER OF HOPE THAT THEY WOULD DISCOVER LAYLA DIDN’T HAVE A LIFE-LIMITING DIAGNOSIS OR, IN THE BEST-CASE SCENARIO THAT THERE WAS CURE, UNFORTUNATELY DIDN’T HAPPEN.

IT WAS A STRANGE FEELING TO HAVE THAT INFORMATION NOW OFFICIALLY CONCRETE. AND TO BE HONEST IT DIDN’T CHANGE A LOT FOR OUR DAY TO DAY. TURNS OUT WE HAD BEEN DOING ALL THE RIGHT THINGS, GIVING HER THE RIGHT MEDICATIONS AND SEEING THE RIGHT SPECIALISTS. WITH NO POSSIBLE TREATMENT, IT’S ALL ABOUT SYMPTOM MANAGEMENT. KEEP LAYLA HAPPY AND HEALTHY AND TREAT THE SYMPTOMS AS THEY ARISE, IF POSSIBLE. 

AND AGAIN, BACK TO THAT SIMPLE IDEA – HOW DO WE HELP LAYLA LIVE HER BEST LIFE? 

IT’S A TALL ORDER AND HAVING A CHILD WITH A COMPLEX CONDITION CAN FEEL SO LONELY AT TIMES.

IT’S HARD TO FIT IN WITH TYPICAL PARENTS WHEN YOUR ENVIRONMENTS ARE SO DIFFERENT. EACH TIME I HOLD A NEWBORN BABY AND FEEL THAT THEY ARE ALREADY STRONGER THAN MY SWEET GIRL, I FEEL A PRICK IN MY HEART. WHAT I WOULDN’T GIVE TO SEE HER SIT UPRIGHT ON HER OWN. 

IT’S NOT FAIR. LIFE DOESN’T FEEL FAIR. HOWEVER, WE CAN’T LET THAT KEEP US FROM HELPING LAYLA EXPERIENCE LIFE IN THE BEST WAY SHE CAN. SHE NEEDS US TO BE STRONG FOR HER. EACH TIME WE STAY AT CANUCK PLACE WE HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE A CONNECTION WITH ANOTHER FAMILY GOING THROUGH SIMILAR THINGS. WHEN YOU MEET OTHER PEOPLE WHO GET IT, IT HELPS MAKE THIS ROAD A LITTLE LESS ISOLATING, IN A WORLD THAT DOESN’T UNDERSTAND. 

LAYLA HAS BEEN SO STABLE LATELY. IT CAN SOMETIMES SLIP OUR MINDS THAT THE REALITY IS WE DON’T KNOW WHAT HER FUTURE HOLDS. THE DEATH OF A CHILD IS OVERWHELMING TO EVEN CONSIDER BUT WITH THE HELP OF THE CANUCK PLACE, WE WILL SURVIVE IT.

THEY HELP US GRIEVE THE LOSS OF OUR DREAMS FOR LAYLA WHILE SHE IS HERE AND WILL LONG AFTER SHE IS GONE. 

SURVIVING THE FIRST YEAR WITH A COMPLEX CHILD WITHOUT CANUCK PLACE CONFIRMS TO US HOW ESSENTIAL THIS PROGRAM IS. UNLESS YOU ARE A PART OF THIS CARING COMMUNITY, YOU WILL NEVER FULLY UNDERSTAND HOW GRATEFUL YOU WOULD BE FOR ITS EXISTENCE.

THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE FOR OUR FAMILY AND DAUGHTER LAYLA. WE WOULDN’T BE STANDING UP HERE WITH THE ABILITY TO SMILE WITHOUT YOUR GENEROSITY.

TONIGHT I HOPE YOU ALL CAN WALK AWAY KNOWING HOW NECESSARY CANUCK PLACE IS FOR FAMILIES LIKE MINE. 

IN CLOSING I WOULD LIKE TO SHARE A QUOTE FROM JEAN VANIER’S BOOK CALLED BECOMING HUMAN,

“SO MANY PEOPLE WITH DISABILITIES ARE SEEN BY THEIR PARENTS AND FAMILIES ONLY AS TRAGEDY. THEY ARE SURROUNDED BY SAD FACES, SOMETIMES FULL OF PITY, SOMETIMES TEARS. BUT EVERY CHILD, EVERY PERSON, NEEDS TO BE CELEBRATED. ONLY WHEN ALL OF OUR WEAKNESSES ARE ACCEPTED AS PART OF OUR HUMANITY CAN OUR NEGATIVE, BROKEN SELF-IMAGES BE TRANSFORMED.” 

THANK YOU.

The End. 

Update time

I received a call on Tuesday morning from Canuck Place to offer an extra respite stay for Layla. The last two times the offer was presented I had to decline because of too many booked appointments. This time, I looked through the days and saw nothing that would be an issue for her to miss. So off we went to Vancouver. The timing was perfect. The next few weeks are bringing some bigger events and appointments that will likely bring some exhaustion with them. So I am taking advantage of the quieter times. This biggest goal we set was to get closer to finishing Layla's ramp for the back of our house. This ramp has been a source of a lot of frustration. We moved in November 26th and still don't have fully this functioning accessibility. But since she's been gone for the past few days Aaron has continued to jackhammer the giant rock that was discovered in the back yard- hidden under a rose bush- brought home a pallet of paving stones plus a truck full of sand and he's very close to completing it. I can't take any credit for the work other than cheering him on from the warmth of inside with a cuppa tea.
One of the events we have coming up is very near and dear to our hearts. We were honoured to be asked by Canuck Place Children's Hospice to speak at one of their annual fundraising galas. My initial instinct was to decline for my fear of public speaking. But as I carefully considered the pros and cons it was clear that I should take this opportunity to share. This isn't about advocating for Layla's medical needs to professionals and this isn't about speaking to other parents of children with complex needs. Those speeches would be written quite differently. This is about sharing a snapshot of our lives with influential people from our community who deem this to be a worth cause to support. Of how their generosity has brought sanity to my life.  Each time I sat down to write the words flowed. It brought both tears and smiles. Surprisingly, it was easier to come up with eight minutes of talking than I thought.
Don't get me wrong, I am very nervous. But with the final edited speech done I am praying that I can at least read off the paper at a good pace without any noticeable shaking. If Aaron was writing this he would say he's just praying I will get words out and he won't be left to speak for me. Which has happened in the past.. a couple times.
The undiagnosed disease network is running a few more tests on all of us. It is kind of neat that even though they found a diagnosis, it isn't stopping there. Because Layla is the first to have PCH2d the way she does, the doctor who was leading the investigation is continuing to research on her. I have no idea if anything will come of this but it's nice to know they they want to follow her along.
AND in very exciting news we are all going to Hawaii this year! Layla was approved for a wish through Make a Wish! Initially we fought for her to get a therapy pool/hot tub so that she would be able to do water therapy at home every day. It still seems like the perfect wish for her, but unfortunately after having an electrician come over the $5,000 out of pocket we would have to come up with changed our minds pretty quickly. To pay a hefty chunk of change for Layla to get her wish doesn't make sense. Back to the drawing board we went. After many discussions we decided on taking Layla to Aulani, the Disney resort in Hawaii. There are a lot of pools there, which she will love. They do movies under the stars at night, there will be some characters walking around (which I am not a fan of but maybe Layla is) and the main goal is to created some beautiful memories with our little family. We'll wait to find out at the end of this month if her hip surgery is going to be sooner rather than later which will effect the dates we choose to go.
There's the update on the little miss. Busy times as usual but she's still doing so great overall. Very happy and pretty darn healthy this winter considering how many nasty viruses have been going around. -*feeling thankful.

Reflection

Well, it's that time of year again. Time to reflect on what 2017 brought us and what will come of 2018. Until designating time and energy into to look back I didn't realize how full this year was of life changing moments.

-Seizures were brought onto our radar. In April Layla had a cluster of many seizures including a grand mal seizure lasting over an hour. We were fearful that she wouldn't come out of it but I thank God that we were already at the hospital for this event and with multiple meds they were able to get her out of it. It was a very scary, eye opening day for us. We realized that seizures had been happening for a long time but we were unable to recognize them, and didn't know what to look for. This is an ongoing issue and regular meds have since prevented any major- long lasting seizures. There is a high chance that we will see increased seizure activity at some point but we are thankful that they are having minimal impact for her day to day activities. 

-Aaron went through a career change. It was a tough decision for him to move out of what he went to school for but it was the right change and he is in a much better work environment than he had been. 

-We went on the long awaited UCLA trip with the Undiagnosed Disease Network. There the Doctors confirmed Layla's diagnosis of Pontocerebellar Hypoplasia type2d. I wish that this diagnosis came with a treatment, that there was a way we could extend our time with her and how limited she is while with us, but unfortunately the prognosis isn't good. Our priority is to keep her as happy as possible (which she's been doing very good at lately), enjoy what time we have and now we can better make decisions with this information in mind. It has been a strange transition to be done with diagnostic testing but that has brought less poking and prodding and a little more peace.  

-With the help of many generous people within approximately 8 months we were able to fully pay off the wheelchair van. That blew me away. When we started the initial applications, I never saw that possible and it wouldn't have been without our generous community of people. This van has been a lifesaver. 

- We sold our first home and moved onto a second one that is better suited for Layla's needs. It's been a slow transition for me to bond to the new house but it's getting better. 

- And in bittersweet news we made the final decision to not attempt to expand our family naturally. The risk of recurrence was too high and we are not gamblers. We both knew that we weren't done with having kids. Our hearts have been broken and pieced back together many times over the past few years in this area. Attempting to prevent bitterness and anger is hard at times. Life is not fair. We all have these sensitive areas in our lives. Instead of focusing on what I cannot change I try to focus on what we do have control over. I knew that if the two of us gave up on having another child it will only add a wedge of sadness. So last January we met with an adoption agency. At this point we have fully completed our home study and are on the waitlist to bring another child into our lives in a different, yet still very beautiful way. We are trying to be patient through the very long and slow process. It will likely be another year or two before we bring home another child. For now, we will focus on Layla. We want to work on making the house exactly what she needs by adding ceiling tracking and a roll in shower when we can. And try and save as much money as possible to go towards this costly decision of international adoption.
A lot of things are out of my hands at this point and I'm working on trusting that I have done the best with what I have and the rest will work itself out. Looking into 2018 I already have a growing list of things to sort out. But I am more confident these days in the great team of support around that it will not be fully put upon my shoulders and for that I am thankful. Cheers to another year.

Moving day

Big change happening around here. We will be moving in a matter of two days to a new house. It's been a very long road considering. Back in April we made the decision to put our house up for sale. We had only been in our house for a year and a half at that point but we were already starting to realize how big Layla was getting and nursing staff were starting to mention how they will hit a point where they are not allowed to carry her up and down the stairs. Unfortunately, there is no way to build a bedroom on the main floor and not enough space (nor money) to cover getting a lift or elevator up to the where the bedrooms are. So we listed. We had offers fall through on our house which made offers fall through for us to make other new houses- there were so many road blocks. It was very discouraging. We continued to update our pros and cons list but knew this was a necessity. Finally, just over a month ago we had an offer on our place stick. The house sold but there was no where for us to go. Plans were made for us to move our things into storage and stay with family while searching for the right place. It wasn't ideal but it would work. Then a week and a half ago we found a vacant house that we deemed worthy of an offer - had a few back and forth offers until they accepted. The best part is that the transition will be smooth. Thank goodness. The new house is not perfect but it hit 80% of our wants/needs so we're happy with that. We will still have to build a ramp off the back side of the house to get Layla inside but once she is inside the bedroom and bathroom are on the same level which will make life a lot easier. The back yard is big and beautiful. The neighbourhood is great- fairly flat for walking. There's a nice elementary school within walking distance. It's minutes away from where Aaron plays soccer regularly. It's closer to his work, our friends and family. There's a lot of great things though right now all I can think about is the piles of boxes surrounding me and the imminent move. Just gotta get through this weekend.
A quick note on Layla's progression. She's been doing a block of speech therapy and it's been really cool to see unique ways that we can get her to communicate. For the past four weeks we have been using Layla's vision as a way to communicate "more". We will hold up a toy that she likes, that plays a jingle, once played we will move it just out of her line of vision and ask if she would like "more?" if she moves her eyes to find it we will take it as that she wants it to be played again. So simple but she's doing it! It's the basic steps that will take her towards choice making. We have been using specific items for object cues to help her know what is coming up next. One cue is a red cloth. I will say "It's time for a bath." and then give her the cloth. Let her touch it and hold it for a while as we make our way to the tub. Soon we will decide on an object to represent going for a walk. Eventually we hope these items could be held up and she could be given the option to choose which she would like to do and then use her eye sight to choose. It only seems right to let her have a voice and an opinion in what she does.

UDN

The undiagnosed diseases network has just published a little blip about Layla based off of our recent visit to UCLA in July. The hope is to find other children in the world similar to her and have research done that will help families going forward. We are so fortunate for this opportunity and are thankful to have some incredible doctors take on this task.

https://undiagnosed.hms.harvard.edu/participants/participant-038/

A season of REST

Just yesterday I was sharing with Aaron how thankful I am that Layla's sleep has improved. The past near 6 months she has consistently (85% of the time) been sleeping for 6-8 hours straight at night. And to top it off she has been falling asleep often on her own! This has been life changing for our household. We all like each other a bit more when decent sleeps are happening. Then of course as soon as we have this conversation she goes ahead and has a rough night last night. What are the chances? This is why I'm nervous to speak too soon. Fingers crossed it's a one off. Every time she has a night with little sleep my heart rate rises and my eyes stare to watch seizure activity. Sleepless nights are a trigger and I pray that we will not see another grand mal seizure. So far so good today. A few strange symptoms but I believe they are just to do with the lack of sleep and trying to get her caught up. The great news is that it's Monday which means we have a overnight nurse who will keep watch of her and I won't have to get up if she does.
It's my second week home from my vacation and we have an abundance of changes happening in our lives (selling our house, looking for a house to buy, where to live and store out things in the mean time, job changes, in search of a preschool, in search of a new respite worker.. sheesh.) I was able to sneak away for a wonderful ten day vacation in Australia where my one sister lives with her husband and doggies. It was the longest I've been away from Layla but she was in very capable hands with her dad and then at Canuck Place for majority of the time. She did so great. They took her on an outting to a pumpkin patch and then later she carved a pumpkin with the Canuck Players who come every year. Who knew that I really needed that time away to prepare for the stresses I was coming home too. I might need another vacation in a few months to destress again. Maybe not quite as far away.
While I was gone Aaron met with the orthopaedic surgeon for Layla's hips. The doctor is still happy with the range of motion and very glad to see that she's not seeming to be in any pain. Even with them going out of place she believes we can continue to push the surgery. We will go for another appointment in 3 months to keep an eye on the progress. The goal is to have her as old as possible.
Appointment wise, it's been pretty quiet lately. We did a stint of physiotherapy and now are in the process of a speech therapy block of appointments. Like I posted before, since having the diagnosis it seems like we're just kind of waiting around for something bad to happen and then see the appropriate specialist for that issue.
I'm trying to relish in this rest and be thankful. It is a good thing. She is so content and strong (for her). My bond has grown immensely. I love her so much more than I thought I would ever be able to. Just talking about her makes me smile. We take time every day- multiple times a day- to just cuddle on the couch and soak in each other. Now I'm noticing new people having legitimate bonds with our sweet gal. It's a beautiful thing to watch. When given the opportunity she is able to find a special place in others' hearts and it breaks down some of the walls I've put up around my heart. As any mother's heart you never want to see your child be treated as any sort of an outcast. My own fear can prevent others from seeing the value in children such as beautiful Layla so for that I am sorry. Because I know she is definitely worth knowing.