When I think back to month 3-6 of Layla's life, I'm reminded of when I knew there was something going on and many people told me "She's fine, children just develop at their own pace". Instead of fighting for more answers I started telling myself I was just another paranoid mother. Apparently I thought that others knew my child better than I did. Even on the day we went to the children's hospital (and ended up staying a month) I kept thinking they were going to send us right back home saying it was all in my head. But my original gut feeling was right! Why didn't I listen to it? Where would we be if I had? I know you can't changed the past and it is what it is but I can't help but wonder.
I would describe myself as a people pleaser. Wanting to keep everyone happy, never disagree or want to give people a reason to be upset with me, if I can at all avoid it. I've lead myself to believe that my opinion doesn't really matter, my wants and needs are not as important as others. In some ways Layla has continued that thought process because with her high needs, mine can get pushed to the side. But in other ways she has helped me make some small strides. Because she is the most important person in the world to me I want to keep her healthy. And in order to keep her healthy I need to keep myself healthy. This is why (not the sole reason, but one of the subconscious ones) I married Aaron. He helps validate my opinions. Shows me my worth. He has no trouble saying what's on his mind and telling people what for. So often, I have to hold him back from his raw honesty. With Layla there will be times we have to say, we can't hang out with friends because one of them has the flu or we can't go for a walk in the cold winter weather. We have to say that because to our precious daughter the flu can be fatal. There will be times when we just have to say no to events because it's just too late and we've had a long hard week full of appointments. This is so hard for me because I am a social person and want to hang out with everyone but I have to put Layla and my family's needs first. Some people may not understand and again that is OK. I need to trust my gut.
Speaking with Layla's physio therapist she advised me that any progress we may see with our daughter will be very slow. Don't expect her to start holding her neck up in a day. Give her lots of time, lots of repetitions and there will certainly be many things that she will never do. We need to accept that. It doesn't mean we don't try though. I'm trying to take this advice for myself. I always try and do too much too fast. You know those people who have to get the groceries in the house in one go, even if it means cutting off all circulation in their fingers and dropping apples down the hallway as they come toward the kitchen? Yeah, that's me. Then I wonder why I have headaches and neck aches all the time. Why do I continue to add to the stress of the things I cannot control? My goal is to start doing things slower.. Take deep breaths in between putting groceries away, grab a glass of water and sip on it (not chug), take a moment in the shower to actually feel the warm water beating on my back.. Stop to smell the roses! If I plan to complete tasks in the day but because of a cranky child who wants to be held I do not complete them.. That's OK. Wait till Aaron gets home, wait until tomorrow. Are these things truly a priority right now?
There was a study done on a group of seniors in nursing homes on regrets they had for their life and the most common answer was "I wish I had worked less, spent more time with my family." I don't think many would say that they wished they had worked more (and harder and faster). It all comes back to those moments. Enjoy every one one of them because no one knows what tomorrow brings.
